He Hugged Her First

He left for college 7 weeks ago and I counted down the days until he would come home for his first visit. Oh, how I had missed him.  His smile, his help, even the way he left the family room a mess. I counted down the weeks, days, hours and minutes until he would be home. His sweet girlfriend of 2 years had come over to greet him when he got home, they were studying at separate colleges and she was excited to see him too.

The car pulled in the driveway and we all made it to the porch. Our 5 year old ran to the car to jump in “Dewey’s” arms, they laughed and giggled and he made his way out of the car toward me. His girlfriend ran out to greet him and he hugged her first.

He hugged her first.

Mommas, read my words, It is hard when your kids grow up. It is hard when they fall in love. For those mommas of boys, it is hard when your little boy loves a woman that is NOT you. It is hard when you are no longer Number 1. It is hard mommas, but you need to make room for another number 1 and take a number 2 spot in their lives.

When he hugged her first, I wasn’t mad. I watched them as they hugged and cried and were so happy that they were together after such changes in their lives. And I waited. After their long embrace, he came to me and hugged me the sweetest hug, one that I had waited for, for 7 weeks, 6 hours and 43 minutes! It was wonderful, but I still wasn’t first.

I told my husband that I was ok with him hugging her first and he challenged me by saying, Oh I guessed that;  you’ve only mentioned it 4 times.

[quote]And truth be told, I am ok with it because I need to be.[/quote]

Exactly a week before the hugging incident, my oldest asked his precious girlfriend of almost 3 years to marry him. I knew it was coming and he called me and told me his plan, on top of a mountain in North Carolina as the sun rose, he would propose. He met her in college and there was an instant connection, I knew that someday he would pop the question. I had even gifted him with a special ring that had belonged to my mom for the big day, it was an exciting time and it was hard. It is hard when our kids grow up and when they find another woman that they love MORE than you.

I did just type the word more and I should add differently.

When my boys fell in love, I had to make some decisions. I needed to realize that while I had raised them and taught them and invested in them, they were not mine, and I needed to let them go. Who they date, or marry, is not in competition with me over my son. There is not a prize or reward for who he listens to more or hugs first. It is simply growing up and letting go and it is HARD.  

How I react in these changing times is the key. I may feel sad, jealous, left out and many other emotions, but how I feel is not the focus here. I need to be supportive and help as these families merge together. I need to be part of the solution and not a problem. I need to add perspective and not pressure. I need to support my sons choice and learn to love her like he does. I need to be open and honest as they make decisions together and respect that they are going to make the decisions that are best for them. I need to give them time and space to learn and fail. I need to watch my words and speak kindly. I need to let my son love another, and continue to love him, knowing that means that changes come with this union. I need to let my son go.

He hugged her first, and that is exactly what he should have done, I’ve taught him well.