It’s Not You; But It’s Actually Not Me, Either

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My husband is a very wise man.

The other day he told me this:

There are some parenting decisions that we have control over, but then there are some that we don’t.

Profound, right?

We had been having a heated discussion over a comment that had greatly offended me (sidenote: offending me is as easy as popping a balloon with a sharp tack, so this type of conversation happens all the time in our household).

The comment came from an online forum after I posted a question in regard to my son’s slow weight gain. He ‘s not even on the charts and I feel like I am spending hours upon hours every day trying to get him there. The person wasn’t trying to be rude, but her suggestion was for me to start eating some fatty foods. She said if I did that, my son would chunk up just like her chunky baby (and she posted a picture for bragging rights, too). Now, I believe that her suggestion was heartfelt and she truly through she was helping, but her comment implied that if only I did something different, the problem would suddenly be solved.

But, unfortunately, that is not always how parenting works.

You see…there are some decisions that we as parents have a decent amount of control over. Things like when our child eats a meal, when we haul them to the store, what our children are wearing, and the devices or toys that our children are playing with.

But then there are some things that we have absolutely no control over. Things like the color of their hair, their size, their strengths and weaknesses and their personality.

Of course, there is a fine line between the things described above. I am not naive enough to not know that some parents do not have control over the outfit that their daughter picked out, and that some aspects of parenting can really impact personality.

However, my point is this: we as parents can’t control every single piece of our children.

If we have a beautiful, smart and well-adjusted child, we should be thankful. Yes, I am sure there was much hard work put into raising that child. But that doesn’t mean that hard work didn’t go into raising the other child who is not exactly beautiful, smart and well-adjusted.  

And my husband is right: sometimes its not all because of you.

And sometimes, it’s not me, either.

You might have eaten an excellent diet and therefore your child chunked right up and topped the growth charts, with great praise from relatives, spouses and doctors.

But I have also been eating the right diet and we are still struggling to get onto the growth charts.

It’s not you; but it’s not me, either.

I might have a child who is extremely well behaved in the store. I’m proud of this fact because I have worked long and hard to train her to how to respond to different situations and I have a purse full of tricks to keep her entertained.

You, on the other hand have an even bigger bag full of tricks and have taken endless trips to the store to practice appropriate behavior, but the result is still the same: epic meltdown in front of the candy aisle.

It’s not you; but it’s not just me, either.

So let’s all remember my husbands wise words: sometimes we do everything we possibly can to successfully parent our children- and it works. And it’s awesome. But sometimes we do everything we possibly can to successfully parent our children- and it doesn’t work. And it’s not so awesome.

We as Moms are all in this parenting thing together, and we can give one another a great deal of support. Let’s just remember to be the Mom who is willing to support other Moms no matter what the circumstances.

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Suzanne Hines
Hi, I'm Suzanne! I am a Christian, wife to Theo, Mom to Tera Evelynne (18 months) and foster Mom to some of the most precious foster kiddos placed in our home. I grew up far, far away from Dayton as a missionary kid in West Africa. After graduating from my international high school, I attended Cedarville University. A few months into my freshman year, I met an incredible man named Theo. Although I had sworn off dating, there I was...dating him! We were married by my junior year and the rest is history! We stuck around the area and I am now proud to call the Dayton area home. Theo works for the Dayton Fire Department and I am a stay at home Mom. Most of my day consists of chasing children, feeding children, cleaning up after children and driving them all around to their various appointments (foster care makes for A LOT of driving!!). In my spare time (har har har), I love to cook, run, browse Pinterest and Instagram and read books and maintain my blog (www.suzannehines.org). My family loves to explore outside, to attend festivals and events and to find frugal ways to live in the Dayton area. My favorite thing about motherhood is watching my children develop their own little personality! How did I create this walking, talking, living, breathing, giggling, kissing human being?!? What a miracle!

14 COMMENTS

  1. Yes! My daughter, who is my oldest, was chunky – always in the 90-something percentile for weight when she was a baby/toddler. My boys, however, struggled to break the 20% mark. I did not have a different diet or activity level when nursing my daughter compared to the boys. My pediatrician chalked it up to genetics.

  2. Great post! Love the emphasis on how every child is different at the end.

    As a Mom of a former FTT (I think we finally have enough time behind us that I don’t have to mark it on her health charts!), I wish I could hug you right now. There’s nothing like those health charts to make you feel more fretful, right? They have their place, but not every child is going to be on the chart. That’s not how percentiles work. As long as your baby is making progress, then you’re fine.

    On another note, make sure they’re using the WHO charts. Those percentiles are based on breastfed babies around the world. One of my doctors tried to use the other style and it made my baby’s lack of weight look even worse. In reality, she wasn’t too far off from the WHO charts.

  3. So true! Everyone has an opinion, idea and/or advice on parenting (even those without kids!)….as if we have control on everything right? I completely agree with your husband’s words and I need to remind myself of them often 💗 Thank you for your post!

  4. I’m just excited to hear there is another mom out there their has a hard time getting their kiddo on the growth chart. My son was in the less than 5th% for more than his first year. I DID EVERYTHING I could except formula and nothing, nothing, nothing made a difference. I even injected 2 tablespoons on olive oil into everything he ate. No gain. Finally, I decided to listen to my instincts, which told me that he was just fine, we stopped going to the doctor and just lived our lives. He is super happy and healthy and a perfect size now at age 3. Keep doing what you are doing mama.

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