I blinked at the pediatrician, my mouth hanging open, tears welling up in my eyes.
How is that possible?
I thought that failure to thrive meant failure to mother. I thought babies that were labeled failure to thrive were unloved, unfed and probably just malnourished. I thought that any baby that I grew in my womb and birthed in my own powerful choices and breastfed around the clock would be thriving and healthy, at least for the most part.
I was pretty sure that the pediatrician had just told me I was failing as a mother.
I cried over this a lot, and I brooded over it for a few days. I was doing everything in my power to get him to gain weight. Finally, I got up the courage to write a post about it on my personal blog and Facebook page. Within minutes I had comments, texts and messages from so many of my friends telling me that they had been there, too.
I had no idea. I had no idea that the label “failure to thrive” is not also a label of “failure to mother”. I had no idea that “failure to thrive” simply means that the child is not on the growth chart and doesn’t appear to be heading towards the average anytime soon. I had no idea that so many Moms around me had also received this difficult label.
Maybe you have also just had this label slapped on your baby, and you are wondering how you got here. You are wondering how you failed so badly that your child is charted as “failure to thrive”. I just want to tell you a few things, Mama:
1. You are NOT a failure as a mother. In fact, if you are anything like me, you are doing MORE for that child than you have for any of your other children.
2. Don’t give up. It’s so hard. It’s hard to know if you should stop breastfeeding, if you should start exclusively pumping, if you should switch to formula, or even if you should rush to other doctors and specialists just to make sure something isn’t seriously wrong. I know it’s hard…but don’t give up. Keep feeding your baby and advocating for their health. Even on those incredibly hard days.
3. Remember that growth charts are just an average. My child (and your child, too), are most likely perfectly fine. The fact that my son is labeled “failure to thrive” simply because he is not on the charts should not be right. It’s a difficult label because it makes us feel like we are failing. But remember that it just means your child is smaller than the average child. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
4. You are not alone. I was so deeply embarrassed about the “failure to thrive” label that I didn’t want to tell anyone. I felt that if I shared that, people would think I was failing to be a good mother. But when I finally got up the courage to share, I hear stories from dozens of women, telling me that their child had been labeled failure to thrive as well. Trust me…you are not alone.
5. Prepare your heart for the comments. If my son could gain an ounce for every time someone commented, “he’s so tiny”, he would be topping the growth charts. I will just tell you that the comments will happen. And most people mean nothing harmful by them. I would encourage you to come up with several phrases to tell yourself (and even to speak out loud) when you receive a comment that comes across as hurtful in regards to this difficult label. If I know the comments are coming, I am able to deflect them and not let them affect me.
Have you ever had a child labeled “failure to thrive”?
Oh, I am so sorry you are going through this challenge. But I really do love your strength and great love for your baby. It is so encouraging! I’ll be honest, I thought “failure to thrive” was something that happened to babies whose mothers had neglected them. I didn’t know it is a general term. I am so glad I read your post to be educated on the true meaning of “failure to thrive”. You are so right in encouraging other moms to focus on baby and not compare baby to other babies. I really like your point to think of positive affirmations to say to self and out loud to others. I think it’s a great idea to encourage moms to speak up for themselves and their babies. It can certainly be done in a very loving way without offending anyone. Just like my reading this post and learning what “failure to thrive” means. Now if I ever meet a mom who has a baby going through this I will know how to respond with love and support. Many prayers and love to your family!
I don’t have babies with that label but two of my boys are usually right around 3-5% on the growth chart. We hear astounded gasps allthe time when my 6yo tells people he is all the time. And then “oh, he is soo small.” I used to get mad at those comments but he is small. So I just agree and then go talk to my boys about how it doesn’t matter how big you are, you can do the same things.
Thanks for sharing something so personal to help other people that might be dealing with difficult diagnoses as well!
Such great advice about not listening to the comments! People just really don’t think before they talk and there are so many hurtful things said to pregnant women and new mamas. Just mind yo business people! lol
I wish that I had been able to read this at the start of my FTT journey. We discovered that my 2 month daughter hadn’t even gained a pound when we took her to the emergency room for something completely unrelated: a temper tantrum that looked a lot like a seizure. Her pediatricians didn’t do a 1 month appointment, so we had no idea, as first time parents, that she wasn’t eating as much as she needed. The ER immediately committed her to a pediatrics ward over an hour away. Between being forced to take an ambulance (like we wouldn’t go to the hospital otherwise!), the harsh lecture I got from the paramedic, and having “milk supply issues” go on the official documentation when I was able to pump out 20 oz in a 24 hour period, I truly felt like a failure to mother.
Now I know that there were just so many things combined in those first two months, but I still stress over Baby H’s weight gain a full year later.
Comments are closed.