HELP!
I am writing this to solicit feedback from all of you because I have a problem – I hope you can help.
When I had my first I thought to myself that this parenting thing was easy after you semi-master the eating, sleeping and diapers. I thought for a while that I could handle whatever this little-being threw at me (besides I had already conquered pee, poop, spit-up, throw-up and food messes).
In fact – when my friend Kelley told me about the “Question Box” that she made for her kids – I didn’t get it. She explained that when her kids asked her something – and she either didn’t have the answer or didn’t know how she wanted to answer – they’d write down the question & put it in the question box. This bought her time to figure out how to answer it. This seemed genius to me – but I had no idea what questions kids would ask that I wouldn’t be able to answer.
Now that my oldest is three – I know what the questions are…and ladies I need your help because I don’t know the best way to answer them. Please be my question box!
I am turning to you because I am certain I have scarred him for life or at least confused him explaining things – like why he should cover his mouth when he sneezes, where our dog Domingo went when he died…I am certain that he’s going to use the term “No Way Stranger – I don’t know you” sometime in public to stop me from taking him home from the playground.
So here is my list – I beg you to tell me how you have successfully answered or explained the following to a 3 or 4 year old:
- Death – in a way that doesn’t make Heaven sound so great that a kid wants to get there quickly and soon.
- Private Parts – and why they should be private. My explanation caused sustained jumping on the bed giggling.
- Curse Words – why are certain words bad to say? For those that know me – this mommy is no example of not using them (but I am trying HARD to get better before the world thinks my entire family is composed of sailors).
- Bad People / Strangers – How do you instill the seriousness without completely freaking them out? Or should you freak them out?
- Charity – How do you explain why people have less? Or how do you demonstrate to your kids the importance of giving back? Is 3 too young to try to tackle such a concept?
I know there are more out there…but since he’s only 3 ½ I figure I will start with these & turn to the “Question Box” – AKA all of you – as I get more – down the line.
How did you address these with your kids?
Please & Thank-you,
Perplexed Momma
Alright. First off I think it has to be stated that every situation is different every child is different and no answer, whatever the phrasing, is wrong. It should be what works best for you and your family. I have had different moms tell me that I shouldn’t be so frank with my children. That I should “sugar coat” such topics when discussed but what good would that do? I feel that would be a disservice to my children. Now I am not saying to tell them all the gruesome details but I do not shy away from telling them the truth. I find simplicity works well for me and the boys. They don’t have to comprehend the full picture just satisfy their questions. So without further ado…
1. Death- Im going come back to that one…
2. Private Parts- I am a medical professional. You either have a penis or a vagina. My house is not a modest house. I have a 4 year old that is a fan of the naked baby run around the house. I was largely pregnant with my second when sometimes it was easier to throw J in the big garden tub with me and let him “swim” while I was able to relax for 10 minutes. J was only 2-3 years old when he first noticed that his parts and mine do not match. When asked why mommy has boobies I told him because that is how mommies feed their little babies. This was fairly well received especially because I was pregnant with W at the time. Little boys are curious…thats ok. Curiosity is how we learn. We have never made it an issue BUT its for the privacy of our home. I did have to tell J if he wanted to eat dinner he did have to wear pants at the dinner table. That was during potty training. I will give him a hall-pass for that one. We were naked a lot during that time. We haven’t explored the nether region conversation yet, I am sure it is lurking somewhere in the near future. Please Lord help me with that one…
3. Bad People/Strangers: Two leads me to three. I’ve got nothing. This is a hard one. I’ve probably failed a little with this one. We have talked about stranger danger, what to do if someone approaches you, offers you candy etc. I am not sure he would pass the test. All I can keep doing is talking to them. J is pretty cautious though but its not a question he has asked. I have however spoken about “bad touches to private parts” He just looked at me and asked for a sucker.
4. Charity: I find this easy. I have always taught J to respect and take care of his toys/clothes etc. We have purged his stuff before and when asked WHY?!?!?!?! I tell him because there are other boys and girls out there that don’t have nice things and we have lots of nice things that we can share with them. Last year I took J to a toy store and I let him pick out a toy that he thought was cool. We bought it and promptly donated it to the Marines Toys for Tots. He was confused at first when I told him what we were going to do however he dropped it off himself. He has a giving heart so that was an easy one. He loves to help and knows he has lots of “cool things”. It’s an every day thing though. Whether helping mommy clean up or donating something to someone who needs it: Practice it everyday.
Ok- back to death…
I was 23 years old when my mom passed away from breast cancer. This was long before I had my first baby. I wanted to make sure that both boys know who she was. I have her picture in both of my their rooms. About 6 months ago J asked me where my mommy was. “If Mimi is Daddy’s mommy where is your mommy?” This threw me off. I wasn’t ready. I was emotional. I showed him the picture and told him what I knew. “She went to live in Heaven with Jesus.” He continued to play for a little while longer but turned to me once again and asked if she was going to come back. “No baby, she can’t come back.” was my reply- waiting for the inevitable “Why?” but it never came. He came over to sit with me and said “I would like for her to come back so I can play with her.” All I could do was nod. No words. That was hard. I later said that when people leave us they live on in our memories and hearts because we loved them. It wasn’t until we had to say goodbye to our family pet that he started to understand. He never saw her body, he knows she is buried in the back and he knows she was sick and was old. He asked if Sophie went to live in the sky with Jesus. I told him that yes, she went to Heaven to live and one day, a long time from now, you will see her again. He told me he missed her and she was a good doggy and “when I do see her I am going to give her a bone, she liked those” He talk about that for a good 2 weeks.
There isn’t an owners manual with children. There isn’t a trouble shooting section. If there were such items my copy would be well worn. I guess that is what the internet and fellow parents are for. There are a million different ways to answer a million different questions. I think the best advice is to take a breath and if you don’t know the answer- tell them that. Maybe you have to just think on it for a while and always remember there is always therapy 🙂 Just kidding.
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