Anxiety and depression. These two diseases affect countless people but so many suffer silently. Our culture seems to have a stigma surrounding mental health and few people are willing to talk openly about their struggles.
If you search the Internet, there are plenty of blog posts from those brave enough to share their journey. But it’s not enough. Mental health is at the epicenter of a national debate right now about gun control in America. Regardless of your stance on guns, it’s clear that mental health issues are alive and well in our society.
While there is definitely not enough conversation happening about anxiety and depression in general, there is another layer of mental health that is discussed even less: living as a spouse to someone affected with these diseases.
I don’t mean to take away from the seriousness of what those people that are living with anxiety and depression are dealing with on a daily basis. But they aren’t the only ones who are affected by their disease. Think about it–when your spouse is sick with the flu, it affects the whole family, right? It certainly affects a marriage. The healthy spouse is left to pick up the slack around the house or with the kids, while also serving as a caregiver, until the sick spouse is back on their feet. Having a spouse that is dealing with anxiety and depression isn’t really very different at all, except there isn’t necessarily a time frame for when the “sick” spouse might recover.
I’ve been married to a man that deals with these types of issues for years now, and I’m here to tell you it isn’t easy. It’s hard on so many levels. It’s hard to see the one you love struggling with his internal demons. It’s hard to cope when someone who is typically level-headed and calm gets worked up and snippy. It’s hard to juggle being firm and trying to bring your loved one back to “reality” (for lack of a better term) while also trying to be supportive and kind.
The hardest part, for me, is the pressure to always be the strong one. Maybe that’s the case for all of us moms and it isn’t unique to a marriage that deals with anxiety and depression. But in our house, I know that when life throws us a curve-ball, there is a good chance that it will send my husband for a loop and it might cause him to have a bit of a panic attack. So while that same curve-ball might be affecting me emotionally, too, I have to keep it together – because one of us has to, right? And so, I’ve taken on that role of being the stable one in our marriage. I’ve taken on the responsibility for helping my husband work through his anxiety in times of crisis. And sometimes that means I have to force myself to hold it together and be strong, even when I don’t think I can.
Being married to someone with anxiety and depression has taught me how strong I can be. It’s taught me to find people I can trust who can lift me up and support me when I need someone to lean on while my husband is leaning on me. It’s taught me how to be a caregiver in the appropriate situations and how to dish out the tough love when it’s needed.
My husband is an amazing man. He’s a hands-on and devoted father to our children, he’s a hard worker, and he loves me to the ends of the Earth. His anxiety and his depression are his demons that he faces each day, but they don’t define him and they certainly don’t define our marriage. Despite the difficult times and the extra mental load that I often have to bear as his partner, I’d choose him again every time.
To the other spouse’s out there serving as a support person in this role–I see you, and you aren’t alone.
Thank you so much for writing this, well done! I imagine sharing this was difficult, thank your for your honesty.
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