It’s OK Mama – Just Say No

On the drive to church, my 6-year-old announced she was ‘taking a break’ from ballet and tap. I sat there. Pondered in my brain (because she LOVES dancing). Asked her a few questions. Then looked at my husband, we both smiled, and I said ‘Ok.’  She reminded me. Once again. That it’s ok to say no. 

We live in a culture of YES YES YES. As parents, especially mamas, we tend to feel pressure to keep adding yet another YES upon our shoulders, in fear that one-syllable, NO, is literally an expression of our hatred toward ‘all the things’ that involve organized activities, commitments, and schedule blockers. YES to the PTO. YES to homeroom mom. YES to book club. YES to babysitting our friends kids. YES to balancing all the housework and child-rearing. YES to co-chairing an event. YES to all the things. YES YES YES.  Goodness. Can we get a NO here? We have been trained to be fooled that YES = empowered and involved mother. Whether you work full time out of the home or in the home, YES has become our middle names.

It’s actually good to say no. To declare it. To embrace it and love it. To say no to the good things. For the sake of our sanity, our family, and our life. Saying no actually allows us to say yes to so many other experiences. Did you ever think about it like that? I have adopted this philosophy in the past year, and have many times needed to verbalize it to myself: “Saying no, even to the good things,  allows me to say yes.” Try it. How does that sound? Odd? Are you dreaming? Nope. True life.

It’s ok to say no mama. It’s ok to train our kids to say no. When my 6 year old made her anti-dancing declaration (after 4 consecutive years of saying yes), my initial instinct was almost panic. It sounds funny, doesn’t it? I’m seriously laughing as I type this. SHE IS 6. She’s not an aspiring professional ballerina or trying out for any local ensemble. She is a 6 year old who loves to dance. She also loves to play Barbies, and pretend school, and playdoh. She just started first grade and she enjoys coming home from school, eating her snack (aka dinner #1), and immediately beginning a huge play session with her 4 year old sister. I literally have to pull them away to eat dinner, and then again to get ready for bed.

She is enjoying life.  She is also reaching the age where her specific interests are really peaking, and she is expressing more regarding what she enjoys and does not. Her sweet honesty in saying no to dance, not only gives us more free time in our evening but provides me with yet another humble learning experience from my children. Just say no. We will have one more evening of simplicity. Of nowhere to be. Of pajamas or adventures. 

Don’t get me wrong. It is difficult to say no. It takes a focused effort and a purpose behind the no. Is it because you want more free time? Less hectic schedule? More family dinners? Or perhaps look at why you are saying YES to all the things. Is it because your kiddos actually WANT to do the activities or is it because YOU want them to? Are you afraid you will disappoint them if you say no? Are you obsessed with having every second of your day full? Sit back and really think about it. No answer is right or wrong. Girl, I am not here to judge. Just analyze. Think about how you really want your life to look. What you want your focus to be. And act upon it.  In the end, what matters the most to you.

OK – so if you are someone who feels stuck in the YES rut, with no way out,  it’s ok. We all have been there (and if your gal pal sitting next to you says she hasn’t, she’s a liar). Sometimes keeping your mouth shut is the key. Sounds harsh, but I have learned from experience, and it’s true.

You see that the next soccer league is starting up for your 4 year old (and they already play 300 days a year), just be quiet. Don’t say a word. You note that 3 night a week acting class for 10 year olds is being offered. Shush your mouth. Opt for the 1x a week option. Your friend asks a group of you if one of you can ‘step up’ and be in charge of the meal delivery for the 15 friends you have who just had newborns. Don’t make a peep. It takes a conscious effort, sister. I am not saying to be disrespectful or deny your kids’ participation in activities they love. I am really not. It’s a theme seen much more lately. The struggle between saying yes, saying no, and living with purpose. It is simply about balance, and it is different for everyone.

We say yes to a lot of good things in our home. We are involved in many activities and groups. But we are learning to also say no. In an effort to live intentionally, and to become a better example to my kiddos that NO is a good word, it takes focused effort on my part. 

My kids will be surrounded by pressure for the rest of their lives. I do not want to be one of those pressure inducers.  You don’t want to take dance this year? Well glorious. Now we can play more. Relax more. Live life more.

Just say no mama, it’s totally ok.