It was devastating. At times, it still sneaks into my psyche and haunts me.
However, I also have seemingly pain free moments. I can smile again, I would even say I am doing OK. The dichotomy of all of this is that when those pain-free moments come, I feel a pain of guilt. Should I still be grieving? If I laugh at something funny, does it mean I am losing her? That I don’t ache for her as much?
I miscarried my daughter. It changed me and my views on parenthood.
As so many of us can attest to, the grieving is real and dark. Grief swallows us up and seems ever so much harder to bare because no one knew this life except us. It is a lonely feeling to have no proof of her other than a feeling I had or a stick with a plus sign. It was like she never existed, but she did. And I grieved her. I still do, but it is different.
Life is back, I can enjoy small moments again. Laughing a real laugh again for the first time felt amazing, but it was immediately followed by guilt. Am I allowed to move on and live?
Of course, I know that I am, but I don’t want to forget. Is admitting that I am doing OK, admitting that she didn’t exist and that my grief is over? I will always wonder about her and what it would have been like to have a daughter. She will always be with me.
But, I am doing OK. And (I think) that’s OK.