And I thought divorce was bad….

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DivorceYears ago, when we lost our son, people just did not know how to talk to my husband and I. During the funeral, we had a number of people attend who said some things that honestly had us scratching our heads. The one that sticks out the most was from the wife of my husband’s previous boss. Being a military spouse, I am constantly reminded of rank within our household. My husband might be a Captain in the Army but in this household, I totally outrank him. Assuming his boss and his wife followed this same protocol, I did not feel safe challenging this statement, but I will never forget the words.

“My son is going through a divorce and I thought that was bad”

I honestly did not know how to respond to her. I politely smiled and then gave her a hug and allowed the next person to come up to me. But, those words will always stick with me. Not because of the weight they carried on that day but because for me it serves as a reminder that everyone handles loss differently.

jakobThere are many forms of loss – whether it be death, divorce, the loss of a job, moving away from home or saying goodbye to a friend. All of these types of losses bear different weight on the individual experiencing it. There is no right or wrong way to experience a loss. One thing that was told to me after our tremendous loss was “not every day is good but there will be good moments within that day.” I hold true to this idea.

Not every day is good but there are good moments in each day.

Just as we have the choice to be happy, we also have the choice to see the good in each day. Going back to, “and I thought divorce was bad”, I can only imagine that experience. I know without my husband I would feel lost and sad because of the love we share. If I had it to do over again I would have given her that hug and told her “that must be so hard”. At the end of the day loss is hard and it doesn’t matter what that type of loss is, there are feelings and experiences that are associated with it. Keeping kindness in mind helps us to see it from another persons perspective.

As human beings we try to relate to others through connections and feelings. In this moment she was trying to connect with me and didn’t know how to do that. I wanted to connect with her but couldn’t do so either. That’s the difference between empathy and sympathy. When we are empathetic, we are able to form that connection. When we are sympathetic, we try to relate but are not able to. Empathy during a time of loss takes the shape of a hug and just being silent. No words are needed to support this process. Just knowing someone is there and is going to let you be who you need to be in that moment and accept you for that is the best thing that can be done. My husband and I have learned to navigate those situations – to allow ourselves to remain calm and in charge of our feelings. But, if I happen to burst into tears during those moments, that is okay too, because it means I loved him.

How do you help someone during their time of loss?