In the last year, I have had 4 friends lose a total of 5 sweet babies. The number goes up to 5 friends and 11 babies when I look past this last calendar year. For quite some time now I have felt a pull to write a letter to my mama friends who have lost their sweet soulmates. As a mama who has not experienced such loss, it is difficult to fully comprehend the sadness, and to express the deep sorrow felt, toward a friend who is experiencing an unexplainable pain. Therefore, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, I have written this freehearted letter to all mamas of angel babies, in hopes to express the sorrow and sadness felt, but many times is not verbalized.
I have no words. None. I am torn up inside for you. I want to so badly be able to say “I know how you feel.” But I do not and I won’t act like I do. Please know – the pain you have experienced does not go unnoticed. I feel it as a fellow mother. As a fellow woman. I know the pain, but I do not feel it as you feel it, and I want to take it all away from you. Because that is what I know would make this better. To take the pain away and bring your sweet angel back. Instead, I pray for you, and I stay quiet, remaining a listening ear and giving you your distance as you need it.
Sweet mama. You are a warrior. A survivor. A strong woman. You are a being of love and of sacrifice. You did not fail. You did nothing wrong. You loved and your body loved. I want to bring that little one back. I do. I want to tell you that you will be fine. But I know that is not real life. You may not be fine for a long time. And that is okay. Your sweet little one is loved by so many. So many who never met him/her. So many who did meet him/her. So many who hoped to meet him/her. Love is abounding. Love never fails.
You have taught me that saying nothing many times is what you need. Delivering a meal. Giving you space. Checking up on you. Because we all need help from our friends, but sometimes we need space also. I tear up thinking about the non-stop thoughts racing through your mind about your little one. I want to erase those and replace them with a beating heart. But I cannot. Rather I can help by simply being present when you need me, how you need me and where you need me. This need may be years down the road. But I am here. You are not alone. The mama in me weeps over your sweet angel. The mama in me weeps over your pain. I want to take it all away. Wipe the slate clean. You are not wrong for asking WHY. For doubting your faith and for questioning ‘what if.’
What it comes down to is that I have no words. It sucks. It does. This entire scenario. Know that I am here for you and my heart bleeds for you. That I loved your little one and I continue to love him/her. That I love you.