No More Shame

3

I cried for 10 minutes in my car the first time I had to use IT. I couldn’t believe that at this point in my life I needed to have IT.

I understand that needing IT is temporary, or at least hope it will be. That I am doing what is necessary to provide for my family. That this was exactly the kind of situation IT was meant for. That I had to have IT for my family to survive. That a single incident changed our lives in the blink of an eye and brought us to this place. 

And yet…the first time I had to pull that SNAP benefits card out of my wallet and use it to pay for food for my family, I hung my head in shame. 

Just six months before, we were fine, better than fine. We were looking forward to a future that included helping our kids get their first cars and go to college. A future that included adding to our family farm with more livestock and maybe a glamping site for visitors to our nearby state park. 

Just six months before, my husband was well and working hard as the vice president of a marketing company with a dream of retiring to be a full-time farmer. He was happy and hopeful. 

And then he wasn’t. 

Working in the field one afternoon, he cracked the top of his head on the doorway getting into the combine. He lay across the steering wheel, unconscious for more than 30 minutes. And his whole future, our whole future, changed in an instant. 

That concussion was the seventh one of his lifetime. A young motocross racer and former mountain bike rider, he had four concussions to his name before we married. The rest happened in farming incidents. From what we know now, concussions are easier to get the more you have. 

He dealt with some of the usual symptoms for a bit, but eventually, they went away. Until May, when my daughter found him passed out in a field next to a running a tractor. He fell unconscious as he was getting out to check the equipment. 

The fainting spells were just the first in a series of returning symptoms and new ones that came on quick and have since baffled his doctors. From headaches, light-headedness, and nausea to memory loss, blurred vision, a loss of focus and concentration, and muscle weakness, he has progressively become a shell of his former self. 

No longer able to drive, run equipment or even play his guitar, he has become depressed and anxious. While his doctor and so many specialists work to provide a clear diagnosis, words like early-onset Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, and chronic traumatic encephalopathy are being tossed around. The thought that we may never know what is happening is terrifying. 

With all of his current symptoms, he is unable to work; and without a diagnosis, he doesn’t qualify for disability. While we have managed to get by on my income, we are barely making it – so I applied for benefits through the state of Ohio. To save my family.

Which brings me back to crying in my car. As moms, we take on a role of being providers for our families in so many ways. If we are lucky, we have a great partner to support us and take on some of that load, making it not only more manageable but also more enjoyable. If we are lucky, we have a network of friends, family and other moms who will also support us and are there to help if we just ask.

I am leaning on that network more than I ever have. I could not function without their willingness to carpool, share garden harvests, take our kids for fun days, and so much more. 

When we have to ask for help, serious help, help that can save your family, we shouldn’t feel ashamed. I believe that our current need for SNAP benefits is short-term. Once we have a diagnosis, the disability payments will kick in and we will thrive again.

In the meantime, I will be thankful for the many blessings we have in each other and the wonderful people we have surrounded our family with. I will be thankful that programs like these exist. I will be thankful that we never needed them until now. 

I will find reasons to be thankful every day and hold my head high because I am doing what I need to do to provide for my family. 

If you are in need of assistance over and above what your friends and family can give, please visit The Ohio Benefit Bank for more information. 

3 COMMENTS

  1. Thank you for sharing your journey on this platform. It’s so easy to see another Mom or wife and judge them without knowing the backstory. Thanks for sharing this glimpse into yours, so that I can be more intentional and helpful towards those around me.
    Prayers for you and your family.

  2. Thank you, thank you for being so open and brave. Yesterday I sat here in tears and shame after just having our phone interview for “it”. How and the heck are we here?!

    Believe it or not our “how” it happened are very similar. My husband had just left a job he loved, at the time we both had a real peace about him leaving. He was getting paid through the following month so he was taking his time searching for his next adventure. While he was searching he picked up some renovation work for some people and had a major head injury which resulted in a major concussion then vertigo and hes’s now being told permanent hearing loss. Constant headaches, memory loss and almost everything else you mentioned except the passing out. He has continued to pick up reno jobs and started working on a farm close to Germantown while still trying to find a permanent job but it’s just not making ends meet. I’m a stay at home mom with two small children and we couldn’t pay our mortgage let alone have food on the table.

    So here we are, my EBT and Medicare cards should arrive any day. Thank you for being brave, you have given me the courage to walk in the grocery store and to be proud of my husband not embarrassied for doing EVERYTHING he can, even when he feels like everything has been taken from him and scan that card with a grateful attitude.

Comments are closed.