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The Day I Decided Obesity Wouldn’t Kill Me

The Day I DecidedMy life has been filled with bizarre comments about my body. At this point, I laugh at most of them… usually over chocolate cake and followed by a good cry. To paint the picture nicely, one comment came from my boss telling me a contestant on the Biggest Loser could pass for my twin…it was the first episode of the season – clearly not the skinnier version of said twin. A pedicure technician loudly praising me for being so squishy, then thrusting her leg in the air and knocking on her calf saying “look how rock hard I am..and you’re are just so squishy.” At the time, I wanted to assume she was impressed because I had just lost 65 pounds and because she seemed excited to say it directly to me. There’s been times when I have asked where the elevator is, and the stairs were suggested. A waiter once compassionately told me he had brought lite ranch dressing (not by my request), then followed up with a wink. On two separate occasions a minivan full of teenagers and a table full of adults in their 50’s openly discussed how big and gross I was, (like the size of my butt determines how well I hear.) The most heart wrenching times are when it’s in front of my kids. My kids don’t need to feel the shame of me from other people, especially grown adults.

I’ve always been a taller “dense” girl. Even in my slimmer days, people were always shocked at how high my scale numbers were. At 170 pounds I could wear sizes 6-10, even if that sounded like the fat lady in the circus level of weight for a woman. While I appreciate the BMI scale and suggested weight ranges based on gender and height, I took them with a grain of salt. Sure, I didn’t love my body, but I wasn’t grotesque in my opinion.

That was until I went for the results of a physical recently. My blood was filled with fatty triglycerides. My heart had spontaneous irregular rhythms. And my vitamin D count was so low, they didn’t have a number for it. I sat in the parking lot after my appointment on Mayo Clinic’s website feverishly searching for deeper answers, one thing kept popping up. Obesity. Which was another thing from my physical, I am morbidly obese.

I’ve always felt fat, as pretty much all of do. But even at my largest weight now, I don’t feel like the stereotypical morbidly obese person. Richard Simmons has not knocked on my door for an intervention. Geraldo, nor Dr Phil, has had to cut my wall off to rescue me. I don’t have diabetes, high blood pressure or need a motorized scooter to go to the zoo. So I thought as a fat girl, I was doing pretty good. Sure I felt blah and my joints hurt, but I have 3 kids and closer to 40 than 20.

That day scared me. That day, the results felt different. I’m not the P.H.A.T girl coasting by any more. My addiction to food for comfort, my addiction to not being bound by self control and hard work, my addiction to ignoring what I really need to know – it’s all caught up to me. I cried. Not enough tears to help me lose a pound, but I cried. It didn’t fully hit me until my oldest daughter came home that it sunk in. If I don’t get this under control, who would have been here to greet her? Am I setting up my kids to find me from a heart attack before they are in double digit ages? Right there as I stared out my backdoor (in of all places, the proverbial crack den of my house, the kitchen) crying, I decided I will not let morbid obesity take me from my family.

It’s not going to be fun, this I know. But I’ve made the choice to ask for help from people better at this than myself. I’m ready for this journey.

14 Responses to The Day I Decided Obesity Wouldn’t Kill Me

  1. Trisha Holbrook
    Trisha Holbrook August 30, 2016 at 8:35 am #

    Beth this is beautiful! Losing the weight is hard. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, set little goals that become achievable- don’t set your final end goal bc it will change and will feel unattainable.

    Ask for help when you need it, don’t be afraid to try something new, don’t starve and remember why you’re doing it.

    I’m down 40 lbs since October, not easy, I needed a medication to help my brain and I absolutely eat ice cream still, just not all the time now.

    I’m here if and when you need support! Hugs!!!

  2. Beth
    Beth August 30, 2016 at 11:58 pm #

    You’re the best Trisha!!! Thank you!

  3. Amy August 31, 2016 at 9:26 am #

    Best of luck on your journey. I have been here, and am still in the midst of it. Just remember that at any weight, you are a beautiful person, and being “fat” does not determine your worth. 🙂

    • Beth
      Beth September 12, 2016 at 10:47 am #

      Such a beautiful message!!! Thank you!

  4. Niki August 31, 2016 at 10:04 pm #

    Thank you for sharing this with us, Beth. I have led a similar life being the “taller” dense girl” myself. I know how hard it is to get that discipline necessary to achieve the healthy figure (not skinny, but healthy). I wish you all the luck in the world and know you will achieve what you set out to do.

    • Beth
      Beth September 12, 2016 at 10:49 am #

      ???. Thank you!! Discipline is the hardest thing to get back! I’ve done it before (lost 80 lbs in my more youthful days). Here’s to doing it again!

  5. Amy h August 31, 2016 at 11:03 pm #

    I am also starting the same journey
    Due to high blood pressure and bad cholesterol
    I have a 9 month old and a five year old

    • Beth
      Beth September 12, 2016 at 10:49 am #

      Girl! You got this!!!

  6. Julie Turner September 4, 2016 at 3:28 pm #

    Lovely, honest post. Good luck to you!

    • Beth
      Beth September 12, 2016 at 10:50 am #

      Thank you!! Many tears were shed writing this!

  7. L. Hardaway September 4, 2016 at 5:50 pm #

    Puts things into perspective for me. Thank you.

    • Beth
      Beth September 12, 2016 at 10:51 am #

      Thank you! This one was probably my most personal to share.

  8. Lisa September 8, 2016 at 2:35 pm #

    My husband is part of a surgical weightless group and the number one thing patients tell him is they wish they’d realized they needed help earlier.

    Best of luck, you are starting an amazing journey.

    • Beth
      Beth September 12, 2016 at 10:52 am #

      Yes! I wish I had buckeled down sooner. Good really is like any other addiction. Admiring the problem is step one! Thank you for commenting!!