I Love You, But…

“I love you, but…” it’s something we could easily say to our kids throughout the day.

“I love you, but, I wish you would pick up your toys.”

“I love you, but, I wish you would go to sleep.”

“I love you, but, I really need you to be quiet right now.”

As a mother, one thing I strive to do, no matter how upset or frustrated I am with my kids, is never to say, “I love you, but…”

What are we accomplishing by saying, “I love you, but…”? Why soften the blow to the statement we really want to make by saying those four words? As mothers, we want to be compassionate as possible. Our children have undying compassion and love for us, and when we say, “I love you, but…” we want to let them know that we love them, but they need to change something.

Why, instead, can’t we convey what we want to say in a different way?

If there is a problem – address it directly.

“Will you please pick up your toys?”

“It is bedtime, please close your eyes and go to sleep.”

“I have an important phone call to make, please use your quiet voices.”

Anytime I think I’m about to say those words though, I usually say, “I love you, and…” and after I make the statement, it usually sounds awkward.

Why did I need to convey my message by adding, “I love you,” to the request? I feel it goes back down to being a mother— having an undenying love for our child or children. I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but I need to let them know something of importance.

The next time you feel like you want to say, “I love you, but…” to your child, I challenge you to take a step back and rethink what you’re really trying to say.

• Do you need five minutes to yourself to recollect your thoughts (who doesn’t?) before you address an issue? Ask your child to play with toys, a craft, or a game and tell them you’ll talk to them shortly. They may scream and fuss the entire time, but by separating yourself from them, it’ll give you the time you need to refocus on a situation.
• Do you have a baby who needs to be with you while you’re trying to accomplish something important (like my baby is sitting on my lap now while I’m typing…)? While they may not understand what you’re saying at the moment, by using a direct tone in your voice will help convey messages when they can understand.

We’re not perfect as mothers, and I don’t think anyone expects us to be. But, by letting our children know we love them, without any buts, now, it will help them be better adults and parents in the future.