Most of you might have an idea about what you will say when the beloved family pet passes – maybe many of you have even already experienced it. I thought it would be easy until I actually had to find the words, the simple words, to help explain this part of life. Where’s the dog?
I am no psychologist – but I am someone who has had to explain it to a 3-year old twice in less than 1-year. Explaining pet death to your preschooler doesn’t have to be hard.
10-months ago our household was a zoo – our family consisted of me, my husband, a 3 year-old, a 7-month old, 2-dogs and 2-cats. Now in less than 12 months we have lost both of our dogs.
Our first loss was in December. Domingo was 15 years old and I firmly believe only lived that long because of his bossy, sheriff-like nature. He simply did not think we could get by without him bossing us around. His 11” tall Welch-Corggie frame patrolled the house yapping at you if you talked too loud, ran around too fast…or didn’t share your French fries.
With him, every vet trip had us questioning if he would be given a good bill of health and every time he was cleared for duty. That is why it was such a shock that cold-December night when we decided we had to take him to Urgent Care for breathing problems – only to find that he would not be returning for the car ride home.
As with most things we were all there – as a family – because that is how we do everything. We decided not to keep the kids in the room as my husband said goodbye to Domingo – so I took them back out to the car. When my husband came out to meet us – sans Domingo – my son immediately got worried. Not having prepared for this outcome – I bought myself some time by saying that Domingo was so sick he had to stay at the vet. I knew full well I’d need a better story and fast.
So when he asked the following night when Domingo was coming home – I simply told him that he was not. I explained how sick Domingo was and how now he was in heaven – and because he went there – he was totally healthy and playing with all the other dogs. He had lots of questions about when he could go to heaven and see Domingo (I assured him – and me – that only after a very long, very full, very good life could he go visit him).
He still talks about Domingo – he includes him when he names off our family. He looks up on sunny days and says how much Domino must be enjoying today. At night he pulls back the curtain in his room picks out a star that he thinks is Domingo shining down.
That was then – this is now – 10 months later and we’ve now lost our sweet, hyper, always-tail wagging – Waffle. At only 5 years old she was taken from us by a very vicious and fast-moving cancer. Lost within 5-weeks of her showing signs of what the vet thought was allergies or a respiratory infection. My son could see more easily that Waffle was sick – she had a continuous nose bleed the weeks before we lost her and her mouth was bleeding the night before we had to put her down.
That trip we did not do as a family – while I think my son could have handled being there for the process – he could not have handled seeing me in the shape/wreck I was in during the process. It killed me – it was the hardest decision I’ve ever personally had to make and then be there to carry out.
What mystifies me about losing Waffle was my son’s response. It took him 4-days before he asked. I understood not asking the 1st night – it was chaos. We decided that we would in fact wait for him to ask and not bring it up until he did. Looking back, I honestly think it was grace that kept him from asking – because I probably could not have responded without tearing up until day 4.
That 4th night he, his sister and I sat around the dinner table. It was the 1st calm, quiet night all week and my husband was working late. After a few bites – I think it was the silence that struck him – he asked “Where is Waffle?”
I responded, “We should probably talk about that – Waffle has gone on an adventure with Domingo”
“So she’s in heaven?” he asked hesitantly.
“Yes. Remember how sick she was? Bleeding from her nose”
“She was also bleeding from her mouth” he added.
“Well now she is not in pain anymore”
At that moment I decided to change the tone of the conversation – so he and I reminisced about how barky and bossy Domingo was and how he was probably bossing Waffle around. He agreed and laughed. He then seemed to take a moment of contemplation. He did the sweetest thing. He walked over to his sister in her highchair and took off her shoes one by one & kissed her feet.
When he sat back down he said “We don’t have any more dogs!” – I assured him that we would get another. His next comment made me tear up a little – he asked, “Can we get one that is not sick?” I again assured him that we would find a healthy puppy and take good care of her!
So in conclusion – here is what I would keep in mind when explaining the loss of a pet to a little:
- Figure out the story now
- If you’re going to explain through your religious beliefs – practice how you can make it simple & sweet
- If you’re going to say they “went to live on a farm” – know that ahead of time
- Only you know what you’re child can handle
- Keep in mind that your grief or display of grief may be worse for them than the actual situation itself
- Some kids may not be ready to understand death for quite some time
- Wait to approach the subject on their terms
- Toddlers and preschoolers have their own way of dealing with things and looking at the world – let them handle it in their way – let them approach the subject
- Don’t put your feelings on them – they may be super okay or super upset – you never know – either way let them manage their emotions
- Let them ask questions
- If they want – don’t force them
- Don’t answer questions you think they may be wondering – if they are a toddler and they did not ask – then they are probably not wondering
