When my husband and I decided to have a second baby, one of the reasons we decided to do so was our desire for our son to have a sibling. We really felt like it would be beneficial and enjoyable for him to be a big brother and to have a playmate growing up. The picture perfect images of them playing in the sandbox together, throwing the baseball in the yard and laughing in bed when they were supposed to be sleeping all flashed in my mind when I thought about what having another child would be like. I should have just lived in that irrational bubble for my entire pregnancy, but as I began to speak to other friends who had multiple children, I began to have small moments of panic. [quote]My friends shared beautiful stories that supported my dreamlike picture but also warned that in the beginning, things might be a little more challenging raising two children than I was expecting.[/quote]
I experienced both of these truths when our second son was born. We had purposefully planned ahead for the transition of the baby into our family, especially with our oldest who was three at the time. We bought books, talked about him becoming a big brother, and included him in a lot of the preparation to the nursery that he wanted to be a part of. When my husband brought our oldest to the hospital to meet the baby, he was grinning ear to ear. He loved all the attention that the nurses were giving him, telling him what an awesome brother he was going to be and asking him tons of questions. Unfortunately, the excitement and novelty of being a big brother wore off fairly quickly by around week two. Our oldest son began to respond in ways to us that we were warned about such as whining constantly, and getting upset very easily. We were prepared for these things and resolved these small instances quickly. What threw us for a loop was the day I was feeding the baby and apparently our oldest didn’t approve of it. He decided to express his disapproval of the lack of attention he was receiving by peeing into the air conditioning vent. Fortunately, there were only a few of these instances that caused us to wonder if we had ruined our first borns life instead of enhancing it by having a second baby. We were forced to be more intentional with how we reacted, as well as choosing to do things with our oldest that set him up for success in his new role as a big brother.
A few tried and true tips that worked for us were:
Setting aside time alone for him with me or my husband once a day. Whether that was a special trip to the park or his choice of a game to play in his room with one of us.
Allowing him to voice his frustrations whenever he felt like he needed to and letting him know that we understand how hard this is for him.
Giving him a “job” to help us when he began to seek out our attention. Whether it be grabbing a diaper, finding the babies blanket, or singing a lullaby.
Helping pick out what the baby would wear and helping dress the baby by putting the socks on. This was his favorite job!
Welcoming a new baby into your family can be exciting, and nerve racking all at the same time. These competing emotions are incredibly normal and I hope that you allow yourself as parents a huge amount of grace to know that this stage as well as the many to come are fleeting. If you have recently welcomed a baby, or are expecting a baby and are concerned about sibling transitions, I would love to share more with you about ways that I can assist your family as a postpartum doula.
