When I found out I was pregnant I was excited… more than excited!
I’ve always envisioned myself as a mother and couldn’t wait to start my family. I was seeing pictures on Facebook with moms and their babies appearing happy and beautiful, like they were out of a magazine. Their pictures had captions such as “blessed”, “wonderful”, “no other place I’d rather be” and “loving this moment.” I wanted those captions with my photos. I had visions of starting my baby’s scrapbook and meeting friends at Starbucks to show off my baby, it was going to be perfect.
Fast forward to 9 months later……
Um, did I miss something? While I absolutely loved my brand new bundle of joy, I felt sleep deprived, grouchy, frustrated, and unkempt. Most of all I felt exhausted!
Where was the caption of “loving this moment?” Don’t get me wrong, my baby meant the world to me, but did I not get the memo on how this whole thing was going to go? I nowhere near resembled the picturesque mom’s I saw on Facebook or the ones I read about in those parenting books (which might I add do not have all the answers!).
I had spit up all over me, my hair was falling out and my baby wasn’t napping! I hated breastfeeding and apparently my son did too. I was pumping and mixing formula all while listening to my baby cry because he wanted to be held. My dogs were whining to go outside but I didn’t have a free hand! It was winter, too cold to take the baby anywhere and honestly the thought of being seen in public was terrifying! [quote]I was crying non-stop and had delusions of sleeping… sleep oh, how I missed sleep! [/quote]I was also starting to become jealous of my husband for going to work (who is ever jealous of that?).
I felt like a zombie reliving the same day over and over again! Had I ended up in the movie groundhogs day? Why had no one told me it would be like this? I kept thinking this can’t be normal? I felt like a crazy person! After a month of “groundhog’s day” I began to question my skills as a mother. I asked myself if I should’ve been a parent. I remember crying one night, looking at my husband saying: I never want to do this again. I couldn’t believe I said that! Thankfully my husband didn’t judge me. Instead he started to work from home half days to help me. My parents and in-laws saw my frustrations and offered their assistance. Slowly I was beginning to see there was light at the end of the tunnel.
At the end of maternity leave my son was 9 weeks old and I felt like I had accomplished nothing in that time (I did manage to keep my baby alive so I should give myself one point for that!). I learned what I could handle and what I couldn’t, when to ask to ask for help and when to tell someone that it was becoming too much. I found that going back to work made all the difference; both my baby and I worked well on a routine.[quote] I also learned that I wasn’t a bad mom; I was a normal person going through a major life change. [/quote]While I still felt like my son would someday remember all my crying fits, I realized that being a parent isn’t all butterflies and rainbows and no book or Facebook post should ever make you think that.
My son is now 2 years old and as I write this I laugh at how crazy I felt during those first few weeks of motherhood. But I look back and think of it as a learning experience and something I can share with other new mothers who may be going through the same thing.
I can safely say that though I may have temporarily lost my mind, I love being a parent. While more challenging than I ever expected, it is totally worth it. My son’s smile and laughter make all the long nights worth it.