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Blowing Out the Candle

candleOctober 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Each year a candle is lit at 7:00 pm and is to burn for a hour. This is in remembrance of those that left us far before they should have. I had never heard about this day until after we lost Jakob. I share in kinship with many mommies, an angel mommy status. My angel mommy status is thought of on more days than just the one day set aside to celebrate pregnancy and infant loss. I carry it with me every day and the burden it holds can be difficult to mask. On Thanksgiving, I am reminded of one less seat at the table. On Christmas, I am reminded of the presents that are not being opened. Valentine’s Day is rough because that was our first day without him. At the end of every school year, I am reminded that this could be the last time I celebrate the completion of this grade. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day pain me because it is yet another day that my family is celebrating with one less. Birthdays can be difficult and anniversaries just as hard because as each one hits, it is a reminder that it is one more year that has passed without him.

Going back to October 15th, we still light a candle in this house but choose to do one that can safely burn and leave it on for as long as we need to. We choose to do it this way because blowing out that candle reminds us of how short his life was. Jakob’s life is celebrated more than just an hour a year and we are continuously reminded of him. In this house we choose to celebrate him each day. He was a member of our family and we try very hard to keep his spirit and love alive in this house. On our walls, you can find pictures of him. Ella-Grace still uses his blanket. She also owns a blanket that was made out of some of his clothes. We opted to pass along his clothes to someone in need and those clothes were kept within our extended guardian angel family to celebrate all that he gave us. Some of his belongings hang in our house as a reminder of him. His footprint still graces this house.

egjakobPlease take time on October 15th to light a candle at 7:00 to remember all of those who have lost a pregnancy or an infant. It is a hidden burden that many of us carry because it is what we need to do in order to get through the day. An hour of your time means so much to us angel mommies. We certainly need the well wishes and prayers but more so that hour allows us to know that the world has stopped to think about us. If you have more than an hour to give, that means even more to us. An hour is certainly not enough for us to reflect upon our losses as we carry it with us always. Our world’s stopped the moment we lost our little one.

Blowing out that candle can be difficult some years. I have found that remembering a special moment during this time helps to remind me of the love and happiness I had when he was still with us. It allows me to feel close to him and feel his love. The weekend before we lost Jakob was Super Bowl Sunday. Both Jesse and I reflect many of times on the love, completeness and connection we felt on that day. We still feel those things and have found a way to do that in our family. Hug those little ones tight and always. Life is incredibly short and can change in a single moment.

How do you celebrate that love, completeness and connection that you shared with your little one or during your own pregnancy?

**Editor’s Note: Dayton Moms Blog has created a Forever Loved Wall to help pay tribute to the little lives lost too soon. If you would like your little one added to our wall, please email us at [email protected]

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